It seems a tad redundant to say it now, given that we contacted everyone who left a comment on the baby gender post, but we are having a boy!¬† I write that with trepidation and, even thought it is not PC to say, some disappointment, but the good news is that fear and disappointment lessens every day…except when I see cute adorable baby girl clothes, bedding, or two little sisters holding hands and then my heart aches anew.
I know that sounds cruel and heartless, but I have always envisioned myself with two little girls who would be the best of friends, two allies against the storm of teenage melo-drama and cattiness.¬† I know that a sister and brother can be close, but I don’t¬†know that¬†they can share the same type of bond that sisters can.
I know nothing of little boys other than what I see from friends’ boys.¬† They seem adorable, loving, and generally well behaved, but they also seem full of energy in a way a girl just isn’t; they seem messy and “destructive”, and well, very, very attached to their mothers.¬† I keep hearing the latter is the best part of having a son, but to my¬†mind that seems the worst bit.¬† I don’t want a “Momma’s boy”; the whole things sort of creeps me out, to be frank.
It isn’t that I don’t want my son to love me or rely upon me, but I also don’t want to cultivate the sort of relationship where I begin calling him “my little man”…my skin crawls at that thought.¬† I don’t want to turn into the nightmare mother-in-law who begins caressing her son the minute she sees him.¬† And lest you think I am completely nuts, I’ve expressed these concerns to friends who have boys and they’ve all said they already do things in their relationship with their son that they never believed they would…heaven help me…or that he is like having another little boyfriend.¬† (Seriously just vomited in my mouth.)
I know my feelings are silly; I am fully confident that when I look into his little eyes on the day of his birth all of these anxieties will disappear and I will suddenly know how to be the mother of a son.  I am super excited for Brian to have a son because I know he will be an amazing dad to a boy and he will make up for all my deficiencies as a mother of a boy.
I also feel silly because for 21 weeks all I could think about was having another girl and the¬†pink, princess, tea party existance we would all live that I never even gave two thoughts about the baby’s health.¬† One healthy, normal pregnancy and baby down, one more to go, right?
Well, that’s what we are praying for and I am sure that is what we are going to get, but the tiniest of tiny seed of doubt was planted at our Level I ultrasound and I cannot help but tell myself that this is what I get for being so overly concerned about something so inconsequential as gender.
The little guy has an EIF, which is essentially a calcium deposit on his heart.¬† It generally amounts to nothing: there will be no further tests, no Level II ultrasounds, no restraints upon him later in life.¬† What an EIF is classified as is a normal variant that is considered a “soft marker” for Downs Syndrome.¬† That essentially means that an EIF can occur in babies with or without Downs.¬† Our baby lacks all the other markers for Downs, so it only increases the chances by about 1%…pretty good odds, but of course, that is not what your mind focuses on when they pull you out of the exam room and take you to a special, secluded office for a talk with the doctor.
Hearing that I was having a boy AND that he had a spot on his heart all within a ten minute span was a bit much to process all at once.¬† I’ve since done some research on EIF, no scary websites, and in all the cases where the baby only had the EIF and no other indicators the baby was perfectly healthy, which is essentially what the doctor told us back in January, but like I said my ability to process any good news at that point was a tad skewed.¬† I am confident that the little guy will be healthy and if not, well, we will cross that bridge and figure out that life.
It has taken a lot longer to get used to the idea of a boy.¬† Today, I can say I am in a much better place about the gender issue, but I couldn’t tell you that I am completely over mourning the second daughter we will never have.¬† I am sure readers with boys of their own think I am silly or are maybe even slightly offended that I could be so grievous about the issue.¬†¬† Trust me, I know I am crazy, but that’s just how I feel.
I am gaining some peace, though, thanks to a conversation with a coworker and a shopping trip to Gymboree- seriously, the ridiculousness doesn’t end does it?¬†
The coworker mentioned that she’d been thinking about me and the struggle I was having coming to terms with having a son.¬† She said that Brian and I are excellent parents and have done such a good job with Isabella so far that we are exactly the kind of parents this world needs raising a boy.¬† Her point was that there is a real lack of good men and parents like us will help to raise¬†a boy who will become a good man.
I don’t know that I really know all that much that is useful in raising a boy.¬† I do know, however, what qualities I value in the male figures in my life and those qualities are things I hope to instill in our son.¬† And while I still feel very under qualified to mother a boy, I know that Brian is more than capable of stepping in, filling the tub with water, and dumping the¬†Waterdogs in so our son can know the thrill of a bathroom aquarium.¬†
I do know that between the two of us we are going to do our best to raise the type of son that someday some parents will be confident that when they give their blessing they are entrusting their daughter to a man deserving of their own princess.
 
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